As I edit, polish, and refine my manuscript for Pitch Wars (eep!), I can’t help marveling at how much this one book has changed my life. When I started out writing Reflections, I knew it was going to be important. It tackles several difficult issues that need to be addressed, and it has more than one personal connection to my own life. However, I never anticipated it becoming a kind of nourishment for me.
Writing this novel changed my life, and I don’t say that lightly. I learned so much while writing this book--about myself and the world around me--that it almost doesn’t matter to me if anyone else reads it. Of course, I do want someone to read it, and even better if they’re as effected by the novel as I have been so far. This book is more important to me than anything I’ve written. Writing Reflections changed my life because it allowed me to connect with victims, confront my own issues and experiences, and move through tough stuff toward positivity and acceptance.
WRITING REFLECTIONS ALLOWED ME TO CONNECT WITH VICTIMS
I know a lot of women who have suffered various kinds of abuse--too many women who have been hurt in ways non-victims can never understand. While I was in college, I was lucky enough to participate in a production of The Vagina Monologues. One of my favorite parts of the show, and arguably the most profound, happened toward the end. After a brief video conveying sexual assault statistics, the show's director asked everyone who had ever been hurt or abused to stand up. The number of women rising to their feet was staggering. It hit me like a punch to the gut. These were women I saw on campus every day, women I had classes with, even women who had just performed onstage with me. It was heartbreaking, yes, but it was also powerful.
These women deserve to have their stories told. They deserve to know that what happened to them in the past does not define them. More than anything, they deserve to get a taste of what it's like to be the hero. No matter how broken they may feel, they are stronger than they know. Writing this book--writing Rama--not only allowed me to grasp the truths I most needed to hear, it also allowed me to connect with other victims of various kinds of abuse, including physical, emotional, and sexual.
WRITING REFLECTIONS ALLOWED ME TO WORK THROUGH MY ISSUES
In the past, I've been betrayed by men. My trust has been destroyed more times than I can count. For the longest time, I thought I would never be happy. I had a hard time making peace with myself because of my extensive trust issues. After all, if I couldn't get over myself, nobody would love me, and if nobody would love me, I couldn't get married and then I wouldn't have kids and then andthenandthen--
But that isn't what matters. Ideally, I'd like to learn to trust the men I meet, but I recognize now that isn't necessary for my happiness. I can still be happy and comfortable with myself, flaws and all, by embracing my lack of perfection. Sure, I've been let down, but none of that was my fault. At the same time, the fact that I've been a victim doesn't mean I have no control of my life. Instead of focusing on the past, writing Reflections helped me forgive those who have hurt me and redirect my energy toward building the life I desire.
If I can be happy being alone--if I can accept myself fully for me--then and only then will I find any kind of peace.
Of course, this philosophy applies to physical features as much as it does emotional ones. Like everyone else, there are things about my body that I've often wished to change. As a teenager, I struggled to come to terms with my height, cystic acne, and the shape of my nose. I was even bullied because of the way I looked. Instead of considering all the things my body did for me and the aspects of it I actually liked, I dwelled only on the negative. My self-esteem eroded and dwindled down to nothing. Over the years, it has slowly improved, but while writing Reflections, it skyrocketed. I honestly can't remember the last time I've loved myself so fully. I adore and appreciate every part of my face and body. Sometimes I have off days, but for the most part, I am now able to drag myself out of the funk and smile at myself in the mirror.
This post might be the longest on my blog to date, but it's also the most important. While I am of course hopeful that Reflections will be picked up by someone someday, if nothing else, I can say it's made a difference in my life. I should be so lucky if it helps someone else.